I’m not even sure what to say about this. My response to trauma as an adult has been to shake uncontrollably for five minutes, get angry, and then become amused. Literally 10 minutes after this incident I was singing Katy Perry at the top of my lungs.
A man just threatened me with a gun. He did this after I expressed my anger at him when he drove around me at a stop sign. I honked at him and then cut him off on the next road. He drove up beside me, and I flipped him off. When I looked over he was pointing a gun at me. I braked, and he passed me before reversing, which is when I slammed on the gas to drive around him and onto another road. He chased me for about 2 minutes while I tried to dial 911. My hands were shaking so much that it took me three tries.
The 911 operator was rude and completely unhelpful. Finally the guy turned down a side street and I parked. When I asked the operator what I should do she said, “I don’t know. I guess you can wait for the police if you want.” I didn’t. He drove by and I hung up on her and chased him. He got away. I’m glad he did, because that was incredibly foolish of me. I was just so outraged that he was going to get away with threatening people’s lives over traffic issues. I kept thinking, “if he does this over a little rude driving how is he going to treat the next person who stands up to him?” I was so fucking mad that this man, and so many men, think they can take the lives of others or threaten to whenever they feel slighted, and it’s inextricably linked to their need to prove their masculinity.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my motivations for IDing as FTM. It’s mostly about trying to keep myself accountable regarding my male privilege. I cringe every time I’m referred to as male. I fucking hate it, but I don’t feel female. Last night, while watching a trailer for the all poc remake of Steel Magnolias I thought, “I’m proof that being trans isn’t a choice. I was blessed to be born a black woman, but it just wasn’t me.” I am trans, genderqueer, non-binary, but it’s getting to the point that IDing as male is making me feel like ripping my fucking skin off.
I will always receive male privilege as long as people read me as male and I use he/his/him pronouns, but, for now, I’m done trying to make FTM fit me.