My first reaction to this photo was disgust. Then humiliation. Shame. Rage. Sadness. I thought about all the ways I could have looked better. Not taking a profile. Not sitting. Not allowing all my fat to shift to the left. Adjusting my tits so they’re closer and my shy nipples are visible. Arching my back. Hiding my arm fat. Molding my body into a better visual.
I know this will be reblogged by people who find me repulsive. I know this will be reblogged by people searching for thinspiration. I know I’ll be laughed at and judged and mocked.
I remember, a few years back, when I was braver about my body. When I posted pictures of myself in my underwear even though I knew half the internet was going to rip me to shreds. But I did it anyway. Smirking and shrugging and saying hi to Something Awful in the photos.
This past year I’ve had several guys be interested in me and then decide I was just TOO fat. And none of them bothered to use any kindness in telling me so. I’ve slowly curled inwards. Back to yanking down my sleeves and wishing I were different.
This is a new year. I’m going to love myself and accept my body, no matter how much it changes and shifts as it tries to find its home.
I saved this picture. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because it’s the only self-taken photo in which I’m not trying. Not trying to look better. Not trying to hide anything. It’s raw and vulnerable.
And it’s me.
ETA: I looked at this photo so many times while debating posting it that it no longer strikes me as disgusting or shameful. It’s just my body. Nothing more and nothing less. I need to take more pictures of myself so I can increase this feeling of non-judgment. (Well hello there, normalization! It’s been awhile since I remembered why you’re so important!)
Unfollowing privileged white queers as revolutionary praxis.
DO I HAVE PASSING PRIVILEGE???
If you’re trying to pass as a hottie, then yes.
FAT GIRL PARTY
in case anyone was wondering here are the lyrics to the song my band wrote at queer rock camp. it’s called ~*~cookies r 4evr~*~ by sandy thong and the butt sluts:
walkin through the grocery store the other day
a big nasty dude got in my way
he grabbed the last pizza
i really wanna eat some
he told me i was fat
i won’t put up with that
kill the dude that takes yr food!
lookin in the ice cream isle to try again
but another pack of bros came up and then
all the ice cream went away
looks like these bros are gonna pay
he tried to touch my butt
i punched him in the nuts
rode my bike down the street to the burger shack
but the men from before keep coming back
they’re eating all the burgers
now it’s time to murder
we won’t ever diet
this is a junk food riot
ice cream, french fries, candy, chips
rollos, doughnuts, nacho dip
burgers, twizzlers, bacon, snacks
now these dudes ain’t comin back
werqqing my angles in boyle heights.